Ignorant Fuckwits.

I have a new realisation of just how ignorant people can be. You heard me: IGNORANT. Because I didn't explain why I wasn't going to this fucking charity thing yesterday, some people were ignorant of my reasons and of course, bitched about it. I'd like to tell these people a few things that may enlighten their tiny little brains, somewhat:

I have a belief. My belief means that I don't contribute to charities which prolong the human race. It's a personal belief and I don't enforce it on others. Just as you don't enforce your personal beliefs onto me.

Most importantly: IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT MY REASONS AND MY BELIEFS, ASK ME. Don't sit there and bitch about what you don't know about. It isn't my fault that your ignorance has made you incapable of offering a worthy comment to the world.

Seriously - there's nothing I hate more than someone who doesn't have the brains or the balls to ask someone else a direct question, and bitches behind their back. So just grow the fuck up and be a fucking mature minded person for a change.

Misinterpretation...?

I refer back to my post entitled 'Xmas', posted on the 17th November. Apparently it was ignored. So, I would be grateful if you could all just scroll down, find this post, and for the purposes of clarity, read it again.

Done reading...?

Good. Now, you notice that I started this post with a statement alluding to the fact that I don't celebrate xmas. I'd like to say that again: I don't celebrate xmas.

So, what does that mean to you? I imagine, somewhere in the recesses of your mind you have interpreted that as 'Bazza does not partake in xmas celebrations.' You are correct in your interpretation. Well done.

What then, will you do with that piece of information? Do you store it? Do you throw it away? Or do you do what I expect you to do, and use this piece of information to interpret further pieces of information that I throw your way? Let me be clearer:

If I were to say that I couldn't see out of my left eye, you would take this information and remember it. In future instances, you would access this information and utilise it - for example, you wouldn't make grand and vital gestures towards my left hand side, knowing full well that I can't see those gestures and there may be a lack of communication that ensues. By remembering the information I gave you, you will therefore prevent this lack of communication from happening. This makes sense, yes? Anyone have any problems with this? ...No? Good. So:

WHAT PART OF "I DON'T CELEBRATE XMAS" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

At precisely which point in the sentence, "I tend to boycott the whole thing; secret santa, tinsel and merry are banished from my vocabulary at roughly this time of the year." do you lose interest and stop listening and not digest the information? How much clearer can I make it?

But - maybe I'm wrong in my musings. Maybe this isn't a matter of your inherent stupidity; perhaps I unfairly judge the capability levels in your process of learning? Maybe, just maybe, you don't take me seriously - and when I say 'I don't celebrate xmas because I am not of the Christian faith and do not wish to spend a shit load of time and money celebrating the birthday of someone who a) I don't know, b) I doubt the existence of, and c) has never celebrated my birthday' you actually think I'm talking shit and it shouldn't be heard.

Somewhat related to the above, I have just been included on the Secret Santa draw at work. I attempted to withdraw my name, forcefully and aggressively, but alas, this was ignored and I am now supposed to buy a present for someone despite the fact that the organisers are fully aware that I don't want to. Originally, in my anger, I had decided that I would again attempt to withdraw and make a big deal of it and get angry and possibly cry and scream and accuse everybody of not taking me seriously and of forcing me to do something that I don't believe in and physically despise. But then, I spoke to my mother, and she told me that what happens at work doesn't matter - I'm still going to be ignoring xmas in my usual fashion, and to prove that I am a good person underneath it all, I am willing to play around in the minefield of stupidity, commercialism and false hope in a person that doesn't exist, and I will participate in Secret Santa.

I want it to be known that I am not happy about this; I understand that not everything that comes out of my mouth will be taken seriously, and that quite possibly I shouldn't bother to express my view on anything ever again because it may just be ignored. I also understand that if, in the future, YOU express a wish not to do something, or partake in something, I can ignore it and include you anyway.

And that is all I have to say. This is the last time that I will mention it. If you have anything you would like to say to me about this (Roy, Chappers, IT Helpdesk), please submit it in writing.

Pre-Holiday

My brain has developed into some kind of quivering mess. It's not functional, it may as well not be there. I can barely string a sentence together without giggling, bursting into song, or yelling at someone. It's uncontrollable - I just yelled at an automated voice detection phone line, only to be told 'Sorry, I didn't quite catch that...' - I said FOR FUCK'S SAKE you fucking annoying computer generated woman...

Why are these things in place? I'm beginning to think that I attract things that make my blood boil - like men who burp openly, and loudly, in the office. And what is with the lack of post boxes in this city?? I walk to the other end of the city for a meeting, clutching the letter I had hoped to post, and do I see a single post box on this epic, 15 minute hike? NO. Not a single fucking post box. Why? WHY I ask you??

So yes, I'm damn pleased that I'm going on holiday next week, because I get the feeling that if I didn't then I might end up upsetting the majority of my colleagues with random bouts of yelling, and perhaps a tearey or two in the corner. And nobody wants to see a grown woman cry.

I think I might have to consume a worrying amount of alcohol on my holiday - I'm just far too sober at the moment. How I wish I had an alcohol problem... things would be so much cloudier...I'm not happy with the clarity...

Investigatory Exposure.

Once again, my sleep has been disturbed by the ever present yobs that reside in my corner of Brisbane. This morning, at exactly 02:41, I was woken up by the sound of a 'boy-racer' vehicle slowing down from a very speedy trip down my street, right outside my house. This was shortly followed by an extremely loud THUD from above me.

Yes, something had been thrown onto my roof, and the culprits had escaped. After a short period of being frozen with fear, I exited my room, checked on Colin (he was a little frightened), and recovered my trusty friend the butchers knife from the kitchen. Me and the knife went outside to wield ourselves threateningly in the street, before realising that I had no underwear on and was in fact exposing myself.

Knife and I went back inside, and tried to fall asleep. But due to the excitement of not only having a large something sitting on top of my house, but also the fact that I'd just flashed my wears to the neighbourhood, I found it hard getting back to sleep. When I had just started to drift off, at exactly 03:57 the thing on top of my house woke up from it's apparent impact-induced coma, and preceded to scratch around for half an hour directly above me.

By the time I'd started to drift off again, my alarm went off and it was time to investigate the mystery in daylight... with underwear ON. And of course, there was no evidence to be found. I now sit here, having had 4 hours sleep, and I wonder... why does this kind of thing happen to me?? Is it my house? Or is it the fact that I have a tendency to expose myself to my neighbours?

RESTRICTED

I have recently found the presence of the Internet, and social networking sites (I shan't name you, facebook) a real hindrance on my ability to complain at will. I've got a shit load of stuff that I would LOVE to rant about - but I can't because this blog is now linked to everywhere, every person and every thing I know. At the risk of losing money for my company and myself, I can no longer speak at will.

I have been restricted by my own willingness to extend my e-hand of friendship.

I... feel like... I can't say anything anymore... my tongue has been tied up by veritable ropes of restriction and my mouth is closed tight at the hands of modern-socialism.

Modern-socialism, for those of you who don't know, is the discipline relating to the effects of being social. For example, Paris Hilton is a modern-socialist and a Hermit is an anti-modern-socialist. I previously felt I was somewhere in the middle. But now - just slap me aside and call me a hermit. Being social is clearly far too restrictive for someone with so little control over what comes out of their mouth.

From now on, if you suddenly find that you can't 'poke' me at will, or access my blog, it's because I've needed to complain about YOU. So shut up and deal with it and be thankful for the time you've had with me.

The Proverbial Towel

Last night I threw an almighty tanty, shortly before getting in my car, driving to the supermarket, and buying a whole chicken. After eating two legs and two wings, I felt a bit sick, and realised that I can't do it anymore.

I don't particularly want to lose any more weight, so all this food deprivation is just fucking stupid. I'm sick of walking into starbucks, seeing a muffin, wanting the muffin, but having to say no even though I've lost 18kg so far and should be totally proud of myself, and should treat myself.

I told my trainer this morning that I can't cope - that I need to eat like a normal person - that I need to say yes to the drinks invitations and stop being a boring fuckwit. And she told me to go to Hog's Breath, order a massive steak, curly fries, and bacon, and don't stop eating until it feels like my eyes are gonna pop out.

So today, my friends, I am going to eat pie. I don't care what kind of pie - bacon pie would be ideal, but any pie will do. I'm hoping that a feast of pie will help me to complete the rest of the 12 week challenge, maybe lose a little more weight, a bit of body fat, and generally help me to not go insane.

I fear that my colleagues think I've actually lost it. I have already thrown a tanty since being in the office this morning... so yes. Pie is needed. Bring on the pie.

The end...

Does anyone remember my post "Where have rd, th and st gone?" - well, I'm sorry to say that I have to report yet ANOTHER defilement of the great language that we call English.

I sent a document to a client, who shall remain nameless, which included a schedule of dates for a campaign. His job was to sign it and send it back to me. That's all - just sign... and send back. Simple? Apparently not. Apparently he was UNABLE to do just this, and he felt a compulsion to go in and ALTER my spreadsheet.

That's right folks - somebody in this world has the balls to assume that their data entry is superior to mine. FOOLS. What, I hear you ask, did he alter...? The DATE FORMAT.

He changed all of the dates, in MY spreadsheet, to the AMERICAN date format.

(For example: instead of the correct 23/08/07 it was changed to the incorrect 08/23/07)

It's a perfect example of the degradation we are witnessing every day - the decline of our language into the pits of Americanisms. Readers, this is a sad, sad day for the English Language. Made even sadder by the fact that he turned the spreadsheet into a PDF so I can't go in and change it back. Fucker.

Holy Crap!

I JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE!!

No... wait. It's better than that...

I HUNG OFF THE WING OF A PLANE AT 3500 FEET AND THEN LET GO!!!!

Oh yes I did!! I am totally pumped - it's unbelievable. I've got a bruise the size of Singapore on my right wrist, and I feel ever so slightly sick at the thought of what I just did, but it was the most holymotherofgodexciting thing I've ever ever done.

Now, I got it all on film, and I have the DVD in my possession. I've watched it twice already. And I'm going to find someone, somewhere, that can show me how to put the video on the web. I have a feeling it's got something to do with Real Player or something... ANYWAY - my point is that you will soon be able to witness my jump for yourself!!!

I was originally going to do a tandem skydive, but then the man told me that there's more chance of things going wrong with a tandem, and that a Static Line Jump gives you more control and it's way more exhilarating. So, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I went for the Static Line.

I think I might have actually passed out for about 2 seconds, just after I let go of the plane... not sure. Maybe my brain was so overloaded that it just had to shut down for a second or two. I remember climbing out onto the platform under the wing, then hanging onto the wing, and swinging out, and I was just hanging above a 3500 foot drop, and I was thinking, "Holy shit I can't let go but I've got to." Then the only thing that made me let go was gut wrenching loss of my personal preservation instinct. I just thought: "Bazza - let go of the plane. You may die, but at least you'll have done it wearing the coolest white boiler suit and a red stackhat."

I had to do a crash landing cos I lost all the strength in my arms and couldn't pull the brakes on the parachute, but I didn't get hurt cos they trained me how to do it. And then I was just rolling around in a field of little yellow flowers pissing myself laughing! Ha.

I can't believe I've done it. Right now I feel like I could do absolutely anything! So, to avoid doing absolutely anything, I'm having an early night.

Yes, you protest too much.

I think I've finally reached saturation point with protesters. I'm not limiting my anger to any group in particular - just people who protest in an organised fashion. Let's take, for example, the people who protested against the war in Iraq.

I remember being at Uni in London at the time, and there was a major protest planned, and of course the students were getting riled up and excited about the prospect of appearing to know what they're talking about outside of their chosen discipline. The protest was starting outside my accommodation - opposite the University of London Union were roughly 10 million people, all waving flags and banners about war, oil, bush etc. I chose not to participate - my reasoning was that a bunch of people waving and shouting about things that they don't have an empirical knowledge of, and therefore can't possibly comment on, was going to be a complete waste of time and resources, and most importantly, would not stop the world leaders from going to war, because they'd already decided that they would.

It turns out that I was right. Funny that.

I remember the abuse I got from fellow students, assuming that I was pro war just because I wasn't marching against it. Well I'd like to say something now; fuck you fuckers - who looks like a complete prick now? Hmmm? Who? YOU - THAT'S WHO. All you fucking idiots that protested against it and convinced yourselves that you were 'making a difference' and 'making your voices heard' - you were wasting your time. Nobody listened to you then, and nobody's going to listen to you now.

So, if you're planning a protest, or thinking about joining in on one, have a good, long, hard think about it. Personally, I'd suggest that if you want to 'make a difference' in this world, the only viable way of doing so is to a) grow a brain that's at least 1/4 functionable, b) read up on whatever it is you're looking to protest about so that (and here's a foreign concept for you) you actually know what you're talking about, and c) get a degree in politics, somehow get into politics, and get a job as prime minister and stop wasting the time of the normal people in this world who realise that as a human being who doesn't sit in office, you just have to learn that nobody gives a shit what you think about anything.

Big Girl

Every now and then, as humans, we inevitably do something which fucks everything else up. For example, let's say you have an uncontrollable urge to tell someone that you're thinking a certain thing - the telling of this thing isn't necessarily that bad, or wrong in any way, but for some reason the whole world turns to shit once the words have left your mouth.

I recently let my guts fall out of my mouth - quite literally - to a very important special friend of mine. Yes, I had inadvertently turned into a big fucking girl, and felt the need to tell all. Since this event, the following things have happened:

I felt astoundingly rejected.
I felt decidedly angry.
I realised it was all my fault.
I cried for 24 hours.

Now, it's not all doom and gloom. Although I know it's going to take a while for the tears to completely subside, and for the uttered feelings to go away, (perhaps they'll never go away completely), but at least I am now in the position where there is some positivity on the horizon.

Yes, I will survive. I will eventually stop blaming myself. I will move ..... on .... perhaps. Urgh.

In the meantime, I'll be spending a stupid amount of time in the gym (2 hours of intense cardio this morning. woo.) and spending the rest of the time NOT under my doona weeping quietly to myself.

Am I Insane?

[Post has been removed due to realisation that it might not be appropriate content. I have left the final sentence, as a parting thought.]

Maybe I should have restricted access to the internet? Maybe I should be kept under lock and key? Or maybe I should just personally ban myself from certain websites and stop taking my work laptop home on the weekends... idea!

I'm not a big fan of...

... lots of things. Today, I would like to vent some pent up anger and display the things that I currently despise about this world that we live in.

I'm not a big fan of family feuds; being ignored by a family member; people who don't return phone calls; people who don't respond to text messages clearly stating a question; people who make decisions that clearly have an effect on you and don't tell you about it; people who can't see that you're in a bad mood and need to be just left alone and continue to make jokes and play around in your presence and then get even 'funnier' when you get angry; sandwiches that have tomato in them which is frozen; wisdom teeth; toothbrushes that hurt too much to use properly when your wisdom teeth are coming through; banana smoothies that are too icy; wrinkles; people who are far to adept at hiding their feelings so you never ever have any fucking idea what the hell they're feeling; people who cause you to be too afraid to express your feelings in front of them because they don't express theirs; fax machines; cats that scratch everything BUT the scratching pole that you bought them; winter.

I think that's it. Thank you for your time.

Tanty

I think I've decided that today should just be over. And I don't even have PMT! Brilliant.

In the last 24 hours I've managed to piss off my two best friends, annoy another friend, disturb my mum's sleep with a panicky phone call, run out of money, and I've chucked a major tanty where I threw things around my house, drank two beers and took a valium, all in the hope of escaping the dark world of crap that I appear to be on the edge of.

Am I overreacting? Probably. In fact, yes, I am. I'd like to raise a topic for discussion, in lieu of my tanty: Liars.

I'm thinking that a lot of people in this world are actually compulsive liars - they lie so much that they start to believe their own lies, and at this point it's actually impossible for anybody to know the complete truth. Now, I'm not pretending to be completely innocent here. I've done my fair share of lying. But I've never really knowingly been lied to on a major level. It's not a nice feeling to know that people purposefully bend the truth for their own pleasure or satisfaction. Especially when it's stuff that directly affects you. Is it possible that some people have no idea that they're lying, and are so selfish that they don't even think about the consequences of their actions? Is it possible that we are in fact surrounded by arseholes who directly hinder our happiness with the inconsistency, and sometimes the complete lack, of their truthfulness? Or is it possible that I have taken this a step too far, and I should tank myself up with more valium in order for me to ignore the presence of crap which is evidently innate in the human race?

The Mother of all Rants

I want angry music. I want to yell and scream and generally get angry with everybody around me. I want to chuck a MASSIVE tanty and roll around on the floor screaming and crying and make a complete fucking arse of myself. And I want people to point at me and say "Oh my god I think she's gone insane" and I'll say YES - I HAVE GONE FUCKING INSANE AND I NEED TO BE LOCKED UP IN THE LOONY BIN FOR THE REST OF MY PATHETIC LIFE. I want to punch my hand through my computer screen. I want to punch somebody in the head so hard that their eyeballs explode with the force of my punch. I want to kick someone in the head so their nose breaks and they'll no longer be able to smell anything. I want to laugh in the face of sadness and pity and never give anything ever again. I want to be a completely selfish person, and never ever think that anybody deserves my attention. I want to believe that I deserve more than I have. I want to kill everyone who has ever made me feel like crap. And last, but certainly not least, I want to rip the balls off every man that ever walked, put them in a soup, and eat them.

Routine

I miss my routine. I've had one week away from the structure of the Challenge and I've already turned into a gibbering mess. Take this morning for example: I woke up 15 minutes early. I had a very long shower, whereas I usually have a long one in the evening and a short one in the mornings. I had a banana and prune smoothie for my breakfast, instead of my usual bowl of muesli. I drove in a different lane on the way to work, which meant I then spent the last 5 minutes of my journey darting in and out of traffic in order to get into the car park. I walked on the opposite side of the road to Starbucks, so almost got hit by a 4WD when trying to cross the road.

You see how things can be disrupted and almost end in a cataclysmic event, potentially changing life as we know it?

I blame my father. He sent me one of his usually nasty text messages this morning and it has put me in a bad mood. Also, annoying colleague came in this morning complaining about how his desk has been moved, and he kept coming over to me saying 'oh they've stolen my in-trays' and 'they've nicked my chair' and 'they've taken my folders' and I cracked. I yelled "They have not stolen anything, it's all there on the desk so if you own it, then fucking take it. Stop complaining about things that don't warrant a complaint!!"

And now he keeps whispering and stuff. I think I scared him. Good. He's an ignorant old man who needs to grow a fucking brain and stop bothering me with his endless nonsense and pointless conversations.

And now I shall drink my coffee and calm the fuck down before my Chappers and Roy come in and realise that I've truly lost my mind.

I'm Out.

That's it. I'm out. I can't go on anymore, I can't do it any longer. My body is saying NO.

I was on the cross trainer this morning with my trainer barking "Go Faster!!" down my ear and I physically wasn't able to go any faster and I CRIED. That's right, tears of pain and sheer exhaustion. I'm fucked off because I've now only got one more day of this Challenge, and I'm not allowed to drink more than one litre of water a day, and I'm not allowed to eat any carbs and basically can only eat vegetable products and lean protein (and I'm not even allowed protein today just in case my body builds any more muscle and therefore weighs me down).

So the story is that I'm existing on ... FUCKING NOTHING. I can't eat a fucking thing and I'm truly and utterly fucked off with this fucking fuck fuck fucking challenge!!!!!

**Breathe**

But it's ok... yes, it is ok. Tomorrow, after being weighed and photographed and measured and blah, I am going to have a lovely breakfast followed by a bit of shopping followed by a bottle of champagne and a massive chicken curry with rice - WHITE rice. tee heee la la la ha ha la la!!!

I think I've lost my mind. Maybe it's the fake tan seeping into my brain... That's right, I had to get a spray tan last night, as instructed by the Challenge organisers. Apparently it makes you look more toned and my photo's will therefore look better and I will stand more of a chance of winning. I don't even want to win anymore. I've got to where I want to be, I'm over it. I just need to get back into normal eating and being a normal person. Without putting on any weight obviously. Christ. How boring have I become? Am I really so pre-occupied with my weight and appearance that I can't think of a single thing to say about the almost traumatising experience of standing naked in front of a complete stranger while she sprayed me with a coffee-like substance which was hooked up to a hose attached to a mains-powered generator?

What have I become??

Big Things

Some big things are good. Like, very good. Some big things are bad - incredibly BAD.

Par example:

Big + Penis = Good
Big + Car = Bad

You see where I'm going with this?

I FUCKING HATE Landrovers and any other kind of over sized 4WD vehicle in the city. Jayden, being a small 'economy sized' car gets totally lost behind them, and could very nearly be run over by one. But it's not just Jayden who has trouble with them - it's the majority of normal sized cars.

When we're stuck in traffic, and a 4WD sneaks in front of us, we can't see shit. We can't see if the traffic ahead is moving, or if it's there at all. We are totally at the mercy of the 4WD's indicators, if they get used, and their general behaviour on the road. AT THEIR MERCY I tell you...

When we're parked - anywhere, and in any position - if a 4WD is parked near us, our view is blocked. We can't see if there's another car coming, we can't see ANYTHING. This not only puts us in danger, but other drivers as well.

In conclusion, I put forward the motion that all 4WD vehicles should be restricted from approaching 'economy sized' vehicles. A little like a restraining order, they should not be allowed to be within 20 metres of a normal sized car. It's a classic case of them just not fitting. Just like a big penis sometimes doesn't fit - a 4WD more often than not, doesn't fit.

Open and shut case.

For Fuck's Sake...

I have a few things to complain about this evening. I'll start at the top and work my way down:

When a person is instructed to perform a task, what makes them decide to not do it? When another person is required to delegate a task, what makes them decide to not do so? For example, I am currently waiting for an international money transfer. This money will be going towards paying off a credit card, but also towards paying back a friend that I owe money to. Therefore, it's very important for this money to be transferred asap. I was told that the transfer went through last week, and today I was told that the person organising the transfer hasn't done it yet and it's going to take another 5 working days. Why? WHY??

Secondly, I would like to complain about something which is very close to my heart, yet grates on my very existence. It is currently a full moon, which in my monthly female calendar indicates that I am ovulating. Usually this means that I become abnormally virile, as well as slightly broody and I often develop an insatiable craving for chocolate. However, this month my body appears to have changed its mind; ovulation has been skipped, and PMT has surfaced a whole week early. So, the tears for no reason and the urge to scream and rant at everybody is here. I ask you, why has this happened? WHY??

And lastly, I would like to complain about leading a healthy life. Surely it would make sense for a person to be rewarded for regularly exercising and eating a healthy diet? No no no - this is apparently where we're all wrong. Instead, we get muscle pains, cramps, spasms and hot flushes. We also get uncontrollable cravings to the point where our bodies literally lunge forward at the sight of chocolate, beer, curry, or anything that doesn't taste like a carrot stick. Is this not a trifle unfair? Does this not seem like a bit of a stretch of the law of sod? Fuck sod and his fucking law. I want a fucking curry and I want one NOW.

And now I want some trifle. Damn it.

Fuck

Here's a scenario for you:

Last night I set my alarm for 05:45, in order to be at my colleague's house at 07:00, to make it to Toowoomba (150kms away) by 09:30 for a client meeting. This wake-up time would provide me with enough time to do my hair, look respectable, pack the car and head off for a leisurely drive out west.

At roughly midnight, the area I live in suffered from what's formally known as a 'power cut'. I like to call it an ALMIGHTY FUCK-UP.

So, instead of waking up at 05:45, I woke up at 06:55 - I officially had 5 minutes to get ready, leave the house, and drive the 8kms to my colleague's house. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. After phoning her and calmly explaining the situation, ("fucking hell you're not gonna fucking believe what the fuck i've done my fucking alarm didn't go off and fuck i've just woken up and fucking hell fuck fuck"), I showered, I dressed, I put on some mascara and jumped in the car. All within 5 minutes.

Whilst in the car I decided to phone my mum and calmly tell her what had happened, and enquired as to whether she had also suffered from a similar 'power cut' scenario, ("i fucking just woke the fuck up because some fuckwit electricity company decided to fuck up big time in my general area and fucked me over and i'm supposed to be in the fucking back arse end of fucking western nowhere in 2 hours and i have no fucking idea what the fuck i'm going to do"), and that made me feel better.

It turned out that after jumping 6 red lights and breaking the speed limit roughly 12 times, I made it to colleague's house by 07:30, and we got to the meeting with 1 minute to spare.

I am a god damned time lord genius.

Weddings, Babies and Couples

I've had enough of them. Seriously, over the past few weeks I have been bombarded with all of the above and I'm fucking sick of it.

I'M SINGLE AND BITTER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Does anybody remember how that feels?? Is there anybody out there who understands me when I say that the last thing I want to see or hear about is other people's happiness??

• I don't want to know if you've just found out you're pregnant.
• I don't want to know if you're engaged, or have just got married.
• I don't want to know if it's your anniversary.
• And I most definitely don't want to know anything about your partner, and how happy they make you.

And lastly - I DON'T ENJOY BEING SINGLE. Therefore PLEASE refrain from trying to involve me in your non-single lives. I would rather be eaten alive by a tribe of cockroaches while I lie face down in a pile of bat dung, unable to move because I've been bitten by a very poisonous snake that injected a paralysing poison into me that will take 24 hours to kill me, by which time the cockroaches would have finished me off. Ok?

So, when it comes to weddings, babies and couples; just fuck off and leave me to wallow in my pathetic excuse for a life. Because let's face it - nowadays being single is a curse, it's wrong, all kinds of wrong - people look at you funny. Nobody understands how it can be possible to still be single at 25, but let me assure you that it IS possible and I'm living it and it sucks.