An interesting point has been raised by 'adrienne' - thank you my dear, your input is always appreciated. She has reminded me that I haven't had an alcoholic drink since the 15th of March! My god, I didn't realise it was that long!! I feel... empty... incredibly sober... and incredibly uninteresting.
God damn - I need to sort this out. If I had access to any kind of illicit drug I'd be on it, without hesitation. I think I mist have been tiding myself over with prescription drugs - my friend Valium and Temazepam have been looking a little lonely of late, and I did go 10 minutes out of my way last night to go to mum's to enquire about her stock of said pills. Hmmm, it's all becoming clearer - the lack of gin in my life has inadvertently sent me into a spiral of prescription drug taking. The extreme tiredness in the morning isn't because of the exercise every night - it's the opiates and downers!
Yay!! I'm still intoxicated!! I'm not a complete loser!!!
I feel incredibly relieved. And it's all thanks to 'adrienne' - I am eternally indebted to you.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Donations gratefully accepted
If it weren't for money, we'd all be a lot happier. We'd all be a lot poorer, but happier in the knowledge that everyone else was as poor as ourselves. Do you agree?
What I want to know is this: Why am I in so much debt? Granted, it's not unmanageable, but it's debt nonetheless. I'll tell you why - because I have a degree, and that degree was obtained in England. The land of the GBP - and the lack thereof. The sheer act of going to Uni every day got me into debt. The banks threw money at me in the form of overdrafts and credit cards, all because I was a student. And now look at me! Barclays Bank Enemy No. 1 and on the run.
I'm a veritable criminal.
I won't even mention the other financial institutions who would most likely pay good money to have me back in the UK under lock and key.
My problem is my conscience. I can't sleep at night due to excessively vivid imaginings of men in suits knocking at my door (not in a good way), and nasty debt collectors scanning the globe trying to discover where I've got to and how they could possibly catch me and get me transported back to the land of mist and fog. So, I've decided that I'm going to pay it all off. That's right - I will use my hard earned cash to pay off my debt. It's a strange concept, I know, but one which I think is wholly necessary for my sanity.
Ah but hold on - I thought I'd concluded that all my sanity was gone and I was bereft of all rationality and sense of 'the real'.
Have I changed my mind?
Does anybody care?
What I want to know is this: Why am I in so much debt? Granted, it's not unmanageable, but it's debt nonetheless. I'll tell you why - because I have a degree, and that degree was obtained in England. The land of the GBP - and the lack thereof. The sheer act of going to Uni every day got me into debt. The banks threw money at me in the form of overdrafts and credit cards, all because I was a student. And now look at me! Barclays Bank Enemy No. 1 and on the run.
I'm a veritable criminal.
I won't even mention the other financial institutions who would most likely pay good money to have me back in the UK under lock and key.
My problem is my conscience. I can't sleep at night due to excessively vivid imaginings of men in suits knocking at my door (not in a good way), and nasty debt collectors scanning the globe trying to discover where I've got to and how they could possibly catch me and get me transported back to the land of mist and fog. So, I've decided that I'm going to pay it all off. That's right - I will use my hard earned cash to pay off my debt. It's a strange concept, I know, but one which I think is wholly necessary for my sanity.
Ah but hold on - I thought I'd concluded that all my sanity was gone and I was bereft of all rationality and sense of 'the real'.
Have I changed my mind?
Does anybody care?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Connectile Overload
Having recently received my work mobile phone, I am currently lumbered with the task of carrying around two phones. This means that I am now wasting a lot of time checking both phones, hence Connectile Overload. So my dilemma is:
Do I ditch the old mobile, and only use the work one? Or do I leave the old one at home and risk missing an excessively important phone call?
I think the answer lies in the fact that I very rarely receive any excessively important phone calls. Hmmm. I don't know how comfortable I am with this. What do I do?
I have just asked my best friend if I should use my new work mobile, and she answered: No. Put it in a box and bury it in your back garden and pray to it every night. She's such a bitch. Why am I friends with her again? Ah yes, she gives me access to cosmetics only available in Asia. God damn her and her country's prolific supply of make-up.
On a secondary note, I have just been given a bag full of merchandise to give to my clients. Is it wrong that i want to keep this for myself? That I would like to take the 50 pens, 30 stress balls and 20 Thermo-Mugs home with me and play with them in the style of scrooge counting his money or the cookie monster eating his stash of cookies? Have I finally lost all sense of reason? Is there any shred of a normal person left in this body of mine?
I think I've reached new levels of weird. Yep - I'm officially a freak - a weirdo - a vagrant. Small children will soon be chasing me around town throwing rocks at me and calling me "that smelly old lady with the stress balls". It's over - that's it. It's been great talking to you.
Do I ditch the old mobile, and only use the work one? Or do I leave the old one at home and risk missing an excessively important phone call?
I think the answer lies in the fact that I very rarely receive any excessively important phone calls. Hmmm. I don't know how comfortable I am with this. What do I do?
I have just asked my best friend if I should use my new work mobile, and she answered: No. Put it in a box and bury it in your back garden and pray to it every night. She's such a bitch. Why am I friends with her again? Ah yes, she gives me access to cosmetics only available in Asia. God damn her and her country's prolific supply of make-up.
On a secondary note, I have just been given a bag full of merchandise to give to my clients. Is it wrong that i want to keep this for myself? That I would like to take the 50 pens, 30 stress balls and 20 Thermo-Mugs home with me and play with them in the style of scrooge counting his money or the cookie monster eating his stash of cookies? Have I finally lost all sense of reason? Is there any shred of a normal person left in this body of mine?
I think I've reached new levels of weird. Yep - I'm officially a freak - a weirdo - a vagrant. Small children will soon be chasing me around town throwing rocks at me and calling me "that smelly old lady with the stress balls". It's over - that's it. It's been great talking to you.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Weddings, Babies and Couples
I've had enough of them. Seriously, over the past few weeks I have been bombarded with all of the above and I'm fucking sick of it.
I'M SINGLE AND BITTER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Does anybody remember how that feels?? Is there anybody out there who understands me when I say that the last thing I want to see or hear about is other people's happiness??
And lastly - I DON'T ENJOY BEING SINGLE. Therefore PLEASE refrain from trying to involve me in your non-single lives. I would rather be eaten alive by a tribe of cockroaches while I lie face down in a pile of bat dung, unable to move because I've been bitten by a very poisonous snake that injected a paralysing poison into me that will take 24 hours to kill me, by which time the cockroaches would have finished me off. Ok?
So, when it comes to weddings, babies and couples; just fuck off and leave me to wallow in my pathetic excuse for a life. Because let's face it - nowadays being single is a curse, it's wrong, all kinds of wrong - people look at you funny. Nobody understands how it can be possible to still be single at 25, but let me assure you that it IS possible and I'm living it and it sucks.
I'M SINGLE AND BITTER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Does anybody remember how that feels?? Is there anybody out there who understands me when I say that the last thing I want to see or hear about is other people's happiness??
- I don't want to know if you've just found out you're pregnant.
- I don't want to know if you're engaged, or have just got married.
- I don't want to know if it's your anniversary.
- And I most definitely don't want to know anything about your partner, and how happy they make you.
And lastly - I DON'T ENJOY BEING SINGLE. Therefore PLEASE refrain from trying to involve me in your non-single lives. I would rather be eaten alive by a tribe of cockroaches while I lie face down in a pile of bat dung, unable to move because I've been bitten by a very poisonous snake that injected a paralysing poison into me that will take 24 hours to kill me, by which time the cockroaches would have finished me off. Ok?
So, when it comes to weddings, babies and couples; just fuck off and leave me to wallow in my pathetic excuse for a life. Because let's face it - nowadays being single is a curse, it's wrong, all kinds of wrong - people look at you funny. Nobody understands how it can be possible to still be single at 25, but let me assure you that it IS possible and I'm living it and it sucks.
Step Back in Time with Me.
I hate to do this to you, but the following topic is something which is still very close to my heart (or head... hmmm, close to what?) and therefore I feel that not writing about it on my blog would be a crime against myself, and possibly against humanity.
Cast your minds back, if you will, to February 27th, when I informed you that I had received a V Day card from an anonymous admirer. You remember? Good. So, I think I've worked out who it was from. My skills of deduction have grown over the last month, and I was able to decode the writing on the envelope to reveal the sender. Now I'm afraid that I can't possibly reveal publicly who the sender was, because that would be slightly rude and potentially damaging. So, please feel at ease to sleep soundly in the knowledge that I have, a) received a V Day card after a whole lifetime of waiting, b) decoded who sent it to me, and c) will no longer lie awake at night trying to work out the identity of my little admirer.
I'm slightly worried that my admonition directed to said "...stalker" (The Possibilities of a Stalker, Mar 1st) could have been taken the wrong way. Something to do with the whole 'taking him down' thing. Not very nice.
So, V Day card sender - let it be known that I am eternally grateful for your kindness, and be aware that you have potentially saved me from a life of cynicism, bitching, hatred and, let's face it, possible violence towards others on V Day. I, and no doubt the rest of our global population, thank you.
Cast your minds back, if you will, to February 27th, when I informed you that I had received a V Day card from an anonymous admirer. You remember? Good. So, I think I've worked out who it was from. My skills of deduction have grown over the last month, and I was able to decode the writing on the envelope to reveal the sender. Now I'm afraid that I can't possibly reveal publicly who the sender was, because that would be slightly rude and potentially damaging. So, please feel at ease to sleep soundly in the knowledge that I have, a) received a V Day card after a whole lifetime of waiting, b) decoded who sent it to me, and c) will no longer lie awake at night trying to work out the identity of my little admirer.
I'm slightly worried that my admonition directed to said "...stalker" (The Possibilities of a Stalker, Mar 1st) could have been taken the wrong way. Something to do with the whole 'taking him down' thing. Not very nice.
So, V Day card sender - let it be known that I am eternally grateful for your kindness, and be aware that you have potentially saved me from a life of cynicism, bitching, hatred and, let's face it, possible violence towards others on V Day. I, and no doubt the rest of our global population, thank you.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Snow peas remind me of...
... all the time that I'm wasting ripping the ends off said snow peas, peeling off their little tendrils, and then chewing on the body of the vegetable. Minutes, even HOURS every week spent on preparing and eating a vegetable. Imagine that!
The topic du jour is Time, and the severe lack of, and elusiveness of Time.
I'll elaborate: It appears that I spend several minutes during the day doing menial tasks. These empty time units are often made up of staring at my computer, texting friends in England who are asleep, and eating vegetables. It also appears that I spend several hours during the day catching up on admin tasks that I have accumulated during my busy week of selling and meeting people. Of all my time units during the week, I think that I spend roughly 2 whole day units, (units of 24), doing things that I enjoy whole-heartedly, e.g. reading, writing and sleeping.
It's time for a change - it's time to prioritise.
Q: What is the most cost efficient way to spend my time units?
A: At work.
Q: What is the most enjoyable way to spend my time units?
A: Asleep.
Q: What, in reality, is the most likely way to spend my time units?
A: Awake, at work, doing my job.
Q: Is there any way out of this?
A: No.
In short, This rather cyclical post has indeed brought me back to the beginning, with a sharp realisation that there's no getting out of my time-poor debacle. I'm doomed, doomed I tell you, to a life of inadequately spent time units and lack of sleep.
God damn...
The topic du jour is Time, and the severe lack of, and elusiveness of Time.
I'll elaborate: It appears that I spend several minutes during the day doing menial tasks. These empty time units are often made up of staring at my computer, texting friends in England who are asleep, and eating vegetables. It also appears that I spend several hours during the day catching up on admin tasks that I have accumulated during my busy week of selling and meeting people. Of all my time units during the week, I think that I spend roughly 2 whole day units, (units of 24), doing things that I enjoy whole-heartedly, e.g. reading, writing and sleeping.
It's time for a change - it's time to prioritise.
Q: What is the most cost efficient way to spend my time units?
A: At work.
Q: What is the most enjoyable way to spend my time units?
A: Asleep.
Q: What, in reality, is the most likely way to spend my time units?
A: Awake, at work, doing my job.
Q: Is there any way out of this?
A: No.
In short, This rather cyclical post has indeed brought me back to the beginning, with a sharp realisation that there's no getting out of my time-poor debacle. I'm doomed, doomed I tell you, to a life of inadequately spent time units and lack of sleep.
God damn...
Friday, March 23, 2007
TFI Friday
Some of you (in the UK) may remember this lovely TV show, hosted by the very ginger Chris Evans and if I remember correctly, Billie Piper? Perhaps that last bit was made up.
Anyway, today I'm using it in it's non-TV related sense. i.e. Thank Fuck It's Friday. I've had a busy old week, and events yesterday just made it seem a hell of a lot worse. Notably, I had a little accident with a pillar in the car park, and now my lovely little Jayden has a big dent and a lot of white paint down his left hand side. I put a bandaid on him though, so he'll be right until I can get onto the insurance people etc etc etc.
BUT I am not going to let this little ordeal, or the fact that I have two meetings on a Friday - one of which is scheduled for 4pm this afternoon - ruin my day. I'm going to have a fantastic day, so fantastic that everyone in the universe will be incredibly jealous of it, and will eternally ask of me: "Bazza, how on earth did you manage to have such an amazing day? That was truly incredible, I could feel the happiness ebbing out of you and touching the hearts of all whom you gazed upon."
Oh! And, I found a pair of trousers that never fit me, and I'm wearing them today! They're even a little baggy on me! Yay!!
So yes, fucking annoying little incidents aside, I'm in a brilliant mood. Once I've had my coffee I'll be in a state of mind to show this mood physically and emotionally, and not just via the written word. (The perma-scowl on my face will disappear when the effects of the caffeine sink in.)
Anyway, today I'm using it in it's non-TV related sense. i.e. Thank Fuck It's Friday. I've had a busy old week, and events yesterday just made it seem a hell of a lot worse. Notably, I had a little accident with a pillar in the car park, and now my lovely little Jayden has a big dent and a lot of white paint down his left hand side. I put a bandaid on him though, so he'll be right until I can get onto the insurance people etc etc etc.
BUT I am not going to let this little ordeal, or the fact that I have two meetings on a Friday - one of which is scheduled for 4pm this afternoon - ruin my day. I'm going to have a fantastic day, so fantastic that everyone in the universe will be incredibly jealous of it, and will eternally ask of me: "Bazza, how on earth did you manage to have such an amazing day? That was truly incredible, I could feel the happiness ebbing out of you and touching the hearts of all whom you gazed upon."
Oh! And, I found a pair of trousers that never fit me, and I'm wearing them today! They're even a little baggy on me! Yay!!
So yes, fucking annoying little incidents aside, I'm in a brilliant mood. Once I've had my coffee I'll be in a state of mind to show this mood physically and emotionally, and not just via the written word. (The perma-scowl on my face will disappear when the effects of the caffeine sink in.)
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Office Politics
Nothing fucks me off more than office politics. Now don't get me wrong here - my lovely office in Brisbane is wonderful. We all get on, and it's great. It's the OTHER offices that fuck me off. The big fucking Sydney offices who think that just because they're the fucking market leader and they have higher fucking targets and fuck fuck fuck what the fuck ever, that they can bitch about people, and generally make other people feel worthless. Fuckers.
A person in my Sydney office accidentally sent an email to me that was clearly meant for someone else, and I'm at a complete loss as to what to do about it. It's the most petty and bitchy crappy thing in the world, and really, this person should know better cos they're older than me and have been in the company a hell of a lot longer. But what they don't get is that their little petty email mistake has totally taken all feelings of loveliness out of me. I WAS feeling great about a couple of sales that I made, but NOW I just feel like crap. I've got two meetings this arvo, where I'm really gonna need all the motivation I can get, but no. NO.
It's fucking rubbish.
But, I'm a strong person, and I will ignore said email and said person, and I'll make every effort to get on with my day.
Fuckers.
A person in my Sydney office accidentally sent an email to me that was clearly meant for someone else, and I'm at a complete loss as to what to do about it. It's the most petty and bitchy crappy thing in the world, and really, this person should know better cos they're older than me and have been in the company a hell of a lot longer. But what they don't get is that their little petty email mistake has totally taken all feelings of loveliness out of me. I WAS feeling great about a couple of sales that I made, but NOW I just feel like crap. I've got two meetings this arvo, where I'm really gonna need all the motivation I can get, but no. NO.
It's fucking rubbish.
But, I'm a strong person, and I will ignore said email and said person, and I'll make every effort to get on with my day.
Fuckers.
Monday, March 19, 2007
The Definitive Reading List
Before deadline, I have completed the list. Thank you to all who contributed either by commenting on the original post, or by emailing/calling me to discuss.
LISTED BY TITLE
LISTED BY TITLE
- The Dark Tower Series - Stephen King
- Magician - Raymond E. Feist
- River God - Wilbur Smith
- A Song of Ice and Fire Series - George R R Martin
- Shadow Divers - Robert Kurson
- Power of One - Bryce Courtenay
- Harry Potter Series - J K Rowling
- Lord of the Rings - J R R Tolkein
- Girlfriend in a Coma - Douglas Coupland
- My Sisters Keeper - Jodi Picoult
- The Secret History - Donna Tartt
- Notes From Underground - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
- Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
- Master and Margarita - Mikhail Bulgakov
- Ulysses - James Joyce
- American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis
- Herzog - Saul Bellow
- Ask the Dust - John Fante
- Windup Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
- Tess of the D'urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
- Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral Punk History - Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain
- Death and the a Maiden - Ariel Dorfman
- Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh
- Tommyland - Tommy Lee
- The Dirt - Motley Crue
- Bitter is the New Black - Jen Lancaster
- He Died With a Felafel in His Hand - John Birmingham
- Perfume: The Story of a Murderer - Patrick Suskind
- Set This House In Order - Matt Ruff
- Dr Neruda's Cure For Evil - Rafael Yglesias
- Sushi for beginners - Marian Keyes
- Slapstick or Lonesome No More - Kurt Vonnegut
- A Country Child - Alison Uttley
- Lunar Park - Bret Easton Ellis
- A Connecticut Yankk In King Arthur's Court - Mark Twain
- Papillon - Henri Charriere
- The Last Forest: The Amazon in the Age of Globalisation - London & Kelly
- Warlock - Wilbur Smith
- His Dark Materials Trilogy - Philip Pullman
- Sungod - Wilbur Smith
- Dangerous Lady - Martina Cole
- Wild Swans - Jung Chang
- Sickened - Julie Gregory
- Shalimar the Clown - Salman Rushdie
- The Moor's Last Sigh - Salman Rushdie
- Emma - Jane Austen
- Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance - Noam Chomsky
- The Chomsky-Foucault Debate: On Human Nature - Noam Chomsky, Michel Foucault et al.
- Anne Frank; The Diary of a Young Girl - Anne Frank
- Fatal Storm - Rob Mundle
And that, my friends, is that. I am already half way through number 1, so will continue from there.
Interlude II
Fear not, avid reader, the Reading List will be completed and posted this week. I'm just waiting for another couple of suggestions from a couple of people who are totally slack and apparently need more than a week to think of three books that they've enjoyed.
In the meantime, let's have a little Twelve Week Challenge update!!
Saturday saw the end of Week 4 - and the first Testing Day. I rocked up nice and early to avoid the queues, and was one of the first to enjoy being prodded, measured, weighed and poked. I have achieved the following results:
So, I am informing you now that a total of 7cms has gone from my chest area. They have been reduced. Officially. I'm sorry for any sadness this may cause you.
And now, I begin my 5th week - back onto the carrot sticks, the protein shakes, and the endless trips to the gym.
Stay tuned for the finalised Reading List - entering your local cyber network this week.
In the meantime, let's have a little Twelve Week Challenge update!!
Saturday saw the end of Week 4 - and the first Testing Day. I rocked up nice and early to avoid the queues, and was one of the first to enjoy being prodded, measured, weighed and poked. I have achieved the following results:
- 5 kg of weight loss
- 38.5 cms off various parts of my body
So, I am informing you now that a total of 7cms has gone from my chest area. They have been reduced. Officially. I'm sorry for any sadness this may cause you.
And now, I begin my 5th week - back onto the carrot sticks, the protein shakes, and the endless trips to the gym.
Stay tuned for the finalised Reading List - entering your local cyber network this week.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Interlude
I will be completing my Reading List next week. Until then, I will attempt to amuse with the following anecdote:
It is one day after pay day, and I'm almost broke! HAAAAAAA ha
That'll be the $1000 that I had to pay on to my credit card. I hate credit cards. But I love them... so confusing. So anyway, outside of work my life is currently filled with numerous episodes of pure craving. That is, the 12 week challenge is going well and I am still existing on carrot sticks and protein shakes. This morning, I have had the following cravings:
It is one day after pay day, and I'm almost broke! HAAAAAAA ha
That'll be the $1000 that I had to pay on to my credit card. I hate credit cards. But I love them... so confusing. So anyway, outside of work my life is currently filled with numerous episodes of pure craving. That is, the 12 week challenge is going well and I am still existing on carrot sticks and protein shakes. This morning, I have had the following cravings:
- Pie - of any variety. It's the pastry I really want, but will hoe down on any form of content.
- Donuts. This is a regular morning craving for me, but it gets stronger and stronger every day now. I wonder where it will stop?
- Small chocolate easter bunny in gold wrapping. I can't explain the wrapping, but I think I might like the taste of it.
- Grande Skinny Latte from Starbucks. I have succumbed to this one, as I'm allowed two a week.
So, that's my morning, and that's your interlude. For those of you who haven't left your reading suggestions, I *tut* in your general direction and shake my head with disapproval. You've got one week to regain my respect.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Reading List
I imagine that many of you only needed something like this to firmly attribute the label of "loser" to my name. Perhaps you didn't even need this...
Whatever your opinion of me and of my blog, I now call upon all of you to assist me.
I have come to the end of my reading list. This list was constructed just after I finished my degree at Uni. It consisted of such literary beauties as The Satanic Verses, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and When We Were Gods. Having completed all 45 of the books on this list, I now need a new one.
Here's where you can help me:
Please submit, by commenting on this post, your top three books of all time. (To comment, you need either a gmail or hotmail email address.) After a period of no longer than 3 weeks, I shall review all comments, and construct my new Reading List.
Please suggest any books - forget what you think I might enjoy or not enjoy, I want a cross section of literature/non-literature on this list - mixing it up a bit.
Thank you for your time.
Whatever your opinion of me and of my blog, I now call upon all of you to assist me.
I have come to the end of my reading list. This list was constructed just after I finished my degree at Uni. It consisted of such literary beauties as The Satanic Verses, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and When We Were Gods. Having completed all 45 of the books on this list, I now need a new one.
Here's where you can help me:
Please submit, by commenting on this post, your top three books of all time. (To comment, you need either a gmail or hotmail email address.) After a period of no longer than 3 weeks, I shall review all comments, and construct my new Reading List.
Please suggest any books - forget what you think I might enjoy or not enjoy, I want a cross section of literature/non-literature on this list - mixing it up a bit.
Thank you for your time.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Chatting Someone Up: At the Gym
A friend of mine in Singapore recently got chatted up by a member of her Gym. She relayed the conversation to me -
PT: Are you a personal trainer?
Me: What?
PT: Was just wondering if you're a personal trainer or a member.
Me: I'm a member.
PT: Do you need my help with anything?
Me: No I'm fine.
PT: So how long have you been a member of this gym?
Me: About a year and a half.
PT: What are your aims coming to the gym?
Me: What? (the dude's english was pretty bad)
PT: Your goals in coming to the gym.
Me: I just wanna workout after work.
PT: Oh ok so you just want to stay in shape? Where do you work?
Me: I'm in the shipping industry.
PT: How long have you been working there?
Me: Almost two years.
PT: How do you find your work? Is it very interesting?
Me: Work is great.
PT: So how old are you?
Me: How old do I look?
PT: 28?
Me: I'm 25.
PT: Oh ok. So does your boyfriend agree with you coming to the gym?
Me: WHAT???
PT: Does your boyfriend know that you come to the gym? Some guys don't like their girlfriends coming to the gym.
Me: (lying) He doesn't mind, he's very open-minded.
PT: Oh that's very good, that your boyfriend is open-minded.
Me: Yes it is.
PT: So how often do you come to the gym?
Me: Well whenever I have the time.
PT: You work 5-day weeks?
Me: Yes.
PT: So two days off every week.
Me: ... Yes...
PT: What else do you do in your free time?
Me: I go out.
PT: Oh yeah ok. Do you think I can have your number?
Me: NO.
PT: I just want to get to know you better.
Me: Seriously, no.
PT: I know you don't want to give me your number because you might be afraid that I will pass it on to other people. But I won't do that.
Me: I don't give my number to anyone. It's my policy.
PT: Oh ok.
Me: Yup.
PT: I guess I'll leave you to your workout then. Sorry for disturbing you!
Me: It's alright. See ya.
I thought this could serve as a reminder that lousy chat up lines just don't work, and never will.
PT: Are you a personal trainer?
Me: What?
PT: Was just wondering if you're a personal trainer or a member.
Me: I'm a member.
PT: Do you need my help with anything?
Me: No I'm fine.
PT: So how long have you been a member of this gym?
Me: About a year and a half.
PT: What are your aims coming to the gym?
Me: What? (the dude's english was pretty bad)
PT: Your goals in coming to the gym.
Me: I just wanna workout after work.
PT: Oh ok so you just want to stay in shape? Where do you work?
Me: I'm in the shipping industry.
PT: How long have you been working there?
Me: Almost two years.
PT: How do you find your work? Is it very interesting?
Me: Work is great.
PT: So how old are you?
Me: How old do I look?
PT: 28?
Me: I'm 25.
PT: Oh ok. So does your boyfriend agree with you coming to the gym?
Me: WHAT???
PT: Does your boyfriend know that you come to the gym? Some guys don't like their girlfriends coming to the gym.
Me: (lying) He doesn't mind, he's very open-minded.
PT: Oh that's very good, that your boyfriend is open-minded.
Me: Yes it is.
PT: So how often do you come to the gym?
Me: Well whenever I have the time.
PT: You work 5-day weeks?
Me: Yes.
PT: So two days off every week.
Me: ... Yes...
PT: What else do you do in your free time?
Me: I go out.
PT: Oh yeah ok. Do you think I can have your number?
Me: NO.
PT: I just want to get to know you better.
Me: Seriously, no.
PT: I know you don't want to give me your number because you might be afraid that I will pass it on to other people. But I won't do that.
Me: I don't give my number to anyone. It's my policy.
PT: Oh ok.
Me: Yup.
PT: I guess I'll leave you to your workout then. Sorry for disturbing you!
Me: It's alright. See ya.
I thought this could serve as a reminder that lousy chat up lines just don't work, and never will.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Farcical Stability
Slightly philosophical, I know, but here I go. I have been musing the possibilities of perception of one's family, and how this perception has an effect on one's state of mind, and view of one's self in general. Basically, my idea is that brilliant people only ever come from unstable families. After pondering this statement, I realised that it serves well for any person, regardless of their family background. I'll elaborate:
If a person has an unstable family history, they will then assume that they are, in fact, brilliant. Yay for all.
If a person has a stable family history, they would therefore assume that they weren't brilliant. Boo for all.
BUT, we all know that telling yourself, admitting to yourself, that you're not brilliant is something which the human mind is wholly incapable of. SO, I ended my tirade of mental abuse with the following:
If something appears to be stable, it's a farce. If something appears to be a farce, it's stable.
For those of us who aren't brilliant, this statement performs well, only in a self satisfactory way. For those of us who are brilliant, we can spend hours analysing the possibilities of said statement, and how it fits into the grand scheme of our brilliant lives.
If a person has an unstable family history, they will then assume that they are, in fact, brilliant. Yay for all.
If a person has a stable family history, they would therefore assume that they weren't brilliant. Boo for all.
BUT, we all know that telling yourself, admitting to yourself, that you're not brilliant is something which the human mind is wholly incapable of. SO, I ended my tirade of mental abuse with the following:
If something appears to be stable, it's a farce. If something appears to be a farce, it's stable.
For those of us who aren't brilliant, this statement performs well, only in a self satisfactory way. For those of us who are brilliant, we can spend hours analysing the possibilities of said statement, and how it fits into the grand scheme of our brilliant lives.
Monday, March 5, 2007
The Ultimate Test
This weekend presented me with a fairly large trial - that is, my father came to stay, at my house, for two nights. Let's give you a little bit of background shall we...
Last time he came to stay, for one night, I had 3 panic attacks, and ended up having to ditch him onto my sister because I couldn't bare to see the man anymore. He told me that my house wasn't very nice, that I'd put on weight, and lots of other similarly nasty comments were thrown my way. So, I was expecting a similar show this time round.
However, I seem to have created a new persona on top of my already limitless oeuvre of internal characters. This new 'front' is called "Hard Bitch". I like her. A lot.
The main tenets of this character focus around said father, and work as a coping mechanism. It enables me to answer yes or no to every question, and I didn't take the bait for any of his little arguments that he enjoys so much. Yay!
In short, I'm very proud of myself, am feeling incredibly empowered and would like to say Screw You to a certain paternal influence and his little world of mind-fucks and games.
P.S. He now knows that I'm not a lesbian, as I told him that I was expecting a male visitor on Monday night, so I couldn't possibly go out to dinner with him. (Of course, I wasn't expecting any such visitor, but felt it was wholly necessary to stop the endless questions about "any boys or girls" I might have met.
Last time he came to stay, for one night, I had 3 panic attacks, and ended up having to ditch him onto my sister because I couldn't bare to see the man anymore. He told me that my house wasn't very nice, that I'd put on weight, and lots of other similarly nasty comments were thrown my way. So, I was expecting a similar show this time round.
However, I seem to have created a new persona on top of my already limitless oeuvre of internal characters. This new 'front' is called "Hard Bitch". I like her. A lot.
The main tenets of this character focus around said father, and work as a coping mechanism. It enables me to answer yes or no to every question, and I didn't take the bait for any of his little arguments that he enjoys so much. Yay!
In short, I'm very proud of myself, am feeling incredibly empowered and would like to say Screw You to a certain paternal influence and his little world of mind-fucks and games.
P.S. He now knows that I'm not a lesbian, as I told him that I was expecting a male visitor on Monday night, so I couldn't possibly go out to dinner with him. (Of course, I wasn't expecting any such visitor, but felt it was wholly necessary to stop the endless questions about "any boys or girls" I might have met.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
The Possibilities of a Stalker
Imagine, if you will, that I have a stalker. That's right, I am that popular and wanted that people are stalking me. Now take yourself back to reality, and remind yourself that I am possibly one of the least likely people to tolerate such an appendage.
If I had a stalker, I'd make it my duty to track him/her down and take him/her down. [I include the chances of it being a girl, as I have been known to emit a 'dykey vibe'.] So, I put it to you, stalker of mine if you do exist, I dare you in fact, to come forward. Own up to the cursed valentines card that afflicts my bookcase and seemingly narrows my chances of finding you every day - own up and I will thank you (shortly before taking you down, as previously mentioned).
If I had a stalker, I'd make it my duty to track him/her down and take him/her down. [I include the chances of it being a girl, as I have been known to emit a 'dykey vibe'.] So, I put it to you, stalker of mine if you do exist, I dare you in fact, to come forward. Own up to the cursed valentines card that afflicts my bookcase and seemingly narrows my chances of finding you every day - own up and I will thank you (shortly before taking you down, as previously mentioned).
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