Baby Poo

Yesterday I was going to make the trip to the dreaded library and sit with the amazingly numerous infidels who are also attempting to look like they have important computer things to do, but I was too busy with baby poo.

My little semi-niece/cousin Ellie, age 3, has a slight problem. She can wee in the toilet, but for some reason, she can't poo. This problem is probably due to a retentive disorder, i.e. a need to retain all things solid and not see them fall to the wayside like urine does, and has a side effect of still having to wear a nappy.

I was watching her run around the garden chasing my mums dog with a large pair of scissors, when she suddenly starting talking about poo. This roused me from my daze, and I asked her why she chose that topic of conversation, and what was wrong with yelling "CUT DOGGIE" over and over again as before? She came up to me and said "You wipe my bum".

Ummm... No. The stern look I held with this refusal didn't seem to do the trick, so she dragged me to the toilet, sat down on it, and instructed me again. This time however, she showed me the poo. Yes, she had in fact done a rather large, very adult like, poo in her nappy.

Now, I've not had much contact with people who come to below my hip, so I handed her some toilet paper and said 'wipe'. So she wiped. Here lies my mistake... She wiped, with the toilet paper in her hand, but managed to get the majority of said fecal substance onto her hand. She looked at me with a panic in her eye, and said "It got on me! It's on me!". Christ. I realised that I actually had to deal with this problem. It wasn't going away, and the smell most definitely was here to stay.

So, in short, I wiped, I got a small amount of poo on my own hand in the process, I wiped again, I found a clean nappy, I wiped some more, I put the nappy on, and then I wiped my hand with utter disgust and sent her running outside while I frantically washed myself.

I was still slightly traumatised when my Mum came home and started laughing at me, saying 'awww she changed her first nappy how sweet look at her face ha ha isn't she funny' NO I AM NOT FUNNY OR SWEET - I AM FUCKING DISGUSTED!

I ask you, HOW do mothers get any satisfaction at all from a person who gladly wipes poo on them, and who doesn't know how to clean up after themselves? If I was against the idea of babies before, I'm now thinking of starting a species-cleansing and eradicating babies as a whole unless said parents can sort them out in the first few months and make them self sufficient.