I Am Woman

I'm half way through a large bag of maltesers, and am very close to polishing off the giant bag of peanut M&M's. I've just cried watching 'Miss Potter' and have an insatiable need for a man to massage my feet. I had a hissy fit in the garden due to the green ant that bit me as I was trying to frolic through the grass like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, and am now nursing a throbbing foot and some serious panda eyes. I'm upset that I have no cheese or savoury goodies because, of course, I've eaten too much sweet stuff and feel very guilty and know that a bite of savoury would remedy that no end. I think I'm getting a headache due to the apparently unlimited hot flushes that keep coursing through my body, and I have uncontrollable aches and pains thrown in, just because I can. My headache is possibly partly caused by the guilt I feel for screaming at a colleague today, shortly before leaving work 3 hours early to prevent myself from crying in the office. I'm stressing out about the fact that I have a very important, life changing decision to make by Monday, and am in no state of mind to make any decisions, proven by the fact that it took me ten minutes to decide if I should have peanut or straight chocolate M&M's. I feel slightly dehydrated, but can't move off the sofa to get water due to the ant bite and the stomach full of chocolate and my life has taken such a tragic turn for the worse that even my cat has abandoned me for the spare bedroom.

In short, I am suffering from an ungodly, unforgiving, inexplicably torturous bout of the dreaded PMT, and all I can do is sit it out. Like a big, soggy mess of a woman, I shall sit and wait for my socially acceptable self to be returned to me.

I am woman... hear me moan.