The Dawn of a New Era

A new blog is in production. If you'd like to be included in the mailing list of this new blog, please email me.

Final Post

The blog is officially dead. It has come to my attention that it causes more problems than it's worth, due to the fact that everybody knows who I am. I can no longer write anything without other people taking it the wrong way. Due to the inherent uncommunicative nature of some of my readers, I have to protect myself by not writing anymore.

I'm thinking I might start another blog, where my more communicative readers can read my rantings etc. If you're interested in being informed of this new blog, let me know and I'll communicate it to you.

Thank you all for reading!

Bazza

Ignorant Fuckwits.

I have a new realisation of just how ignorant people can be. You heard me: IGNORANT. Because I didn't explain why I wasn't going to this fucking charity thing yesterday, some people were ignorant of my reasons and of course, bitched about it. I'd like to tell these people a few things that may enlighten their tiny little brains, somewhat:

I have a belief. My belief means that I don't contribute to charities which prolong the human race. It's a personal belief and I don't enforce it on others. Just as you don't enforce your personal beliefs onto me.

Most importantly: IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT MY REASONS AND MY BELIEFS, ASK ME. Don't sit there and bitch about what you don't know about. It isn't my fault that your ignorance has made you incapable of offering a worthy comment to the world.

Seriously - there's nothing I hate more than someone who doesn't have the brains or the balls to ask someone else a direct question, and bitches behind their back. So just grow the fuck up and be a fucking mature minded person for a change.

Connectile Dysfunction

Ok, so I'm sat in the office of one of the largest media organisations in the world (my employer) and can't really do any work. Why? Because the email system is down - the entire company has no email. Apparently it won't be fixed until tomorrow. Brilliant. Thank the lord that this hasn't affected our internet connection.

I'm sat in the email-less office on my own. All phones are diverted to me, and I sit and wait for the phones to ring. Why? Because everybody else has gone to help out at some foodbank where they pack up tins of food for people who can't afford to eat. Why am I not with them? Because I don't agree with disturbing society's process of natural selection; namely, Amnesty International and all the other charities who aid the human race in their never ending plot to save the entire planet, disrupt the natural order of things, and eventually destroy the earth in it's entirety.

But I'm not completely alone. Originally I thought that I'd be able to divert my phone (and hence, the phones of everyone else) to my mobile and just go home. But no - my boss has decided to stay in the office too. So far he's annoyed me just with his presence, as it means I can't go home as planned. And also, he's made me realise that he has no clue what kind of an evil person I am. Or maybe he does now... He said to me 'so why aren't you out at the charity place; that seems like something that's right up your alley' - He clearly knows NOTHING about me. I'm the least charitable person in the world and would much rather see the whole race of humans, including myself, die a painful and explosive death than let the earth perish under the strain of the population, and would therefore never give anything; my time, my money or my attention, to a charity that's sole purpose is to extend the life of humans. Let them starve - that's what I say.

I don't expect anybody to agree with me, and I don't usually enforce my view onto others. (I remained fairly quiet about my intentions to stay in the office and offered no explanation to my colleagues who questioned my motives.) But I just figured that this is MY blog and I can talk about whatever I want to on here. So, if you don't like it, don't read it.

Notes on a Ramble.

The only positive about being sick, (physically ill where no food or water is able to be held within), is that once your stomach has calmed itself down, and accepts foreign bodies of food, you have an almighty excuse to eat anything, for the sake of your health. This afternoon I have consumed numerous frozen treats, purely because they're easy to eat (suck and swallow), they're cooling on the mouth, and they are pretty much just sugar which turns into the much needed energy that you're lacking.

Now, ignoring the almighty innuendo inserted (hah) above, I'm pleased to say that the consumption of various sticks of pleasure (heh) has sorted me out. As always.

What is WRONG with me?? I always get like this when I'm sick. I apologise. My god - my mum reads this... ah well, she knows I'm a complete freak of nature anyway. Nothing shocks her anymore.

So, I have inadvertently and unintentionally resumed my state of hermitage this weekend. I have done a lot of sleeping, and finished Northanger Abbey. This book was somewhat of a disappointment. It was a refreshing change to read something so lighthearted, but I had been given the impression, at a young age, that this book was a little bit scary and some themes of horror in it. The person who gave me this idea was wrong. It was the biggest pile of piss-weak lovey dovey bullshit that I've ever read (aside from Richardson's 'Pamela') and there were no scary bits whatsoever. I don't know why I'm surprised at this misinformation. It was my father, after all, that delivered it to me.

You may have noticed that he doesn't get much of a mention on this blog. There's a very good reason for that, and as I'm feeling rather open to day, and the only member of my family who reads this is my mother and she shares my view of my father with me and doesn't talk to him anymore, I shall tell you.

He's a mean old man.

In your head, somewhere, you've likely formed a stereotypical image of a 'mean old man'. I'm thinking you're thinking of some kind of scrooge like image; a small, weedy man with a perma-scowl, a fist full of money and the remnants of an evil comment on his lips. To get an accurate picture of my father, insert about 50kg and you're there.

So thanks, Dad, for giving me a false impression of a novel. Your input in my life has been, as always, something to remember.

The Filters

My oh my I am SO popular.

But seriously - I'm sure every average looking girl who advertises for a man gets as much attention. The thing is that I've never had quite so much attention and I"m friggin proud as hell! I mentioned in my previous post that I'd had 30 enquiries in the first 24 hours. Since then, the number has risen to approximately 100. It's approximate because I've LOST COUNT.

Now don't get too excited; they're all fairly underwhelming, apart from 3 that I have put through my various filtering processes. I feel it's somewhat important to communicate these filters, in order to make this kind of thing easier for other women of desperation in this world.

Filter 1: What Does He Sound Like?
Possibly the most effective of all the filtering processes, in terms of handling the volume of enquiries, this involves yours truly reading the offending person's profile, and scanning it for, a) spelling mistakes, b) grammatical mistakes, and c) syntactical usage. If he is of an adequate standard, (95% pass rate, allowing for potential typo's), then we move on to Filter 2.

Filter 2: What Does He Look Like?
You may be surprised that is not the first Filter, but you see, I place more importance on their ability to hold a written conversation, than their appearance. (This is the main reason why I'd have to decline any advances from David Beckham.) So, I observe the person's photo. My immediate thought varies, but allows me to judge my true opinion quite accurately. There are 3 levels of thought, as follows; a) 'He's hot: I'd like to tap that', b) 'Is he hot? I can't quite tell... perhaps at a different angle...', and c) 'What in god's name possessed this person to contact me, and who told them that this was a good photo?' Needless to say, anybody in (a) moves on to the next stage, those in (b) are left in my inbox for further thought, and (c) are rightly declined.

Filter 3 is as yet undefined. I have made contact with 3 people who passed Filters 1 and 2 with flying colours. I'll update you as to Filter 3 - the final filter - in due time.

Slightly Shameful

I'm slightly ashamed of what I'm about to say, but I figure that if I don't write about this on my blog, I'm never going to be able to talk about what could potentially be a very news-worthy project.

I went to a wedding on Saturday - it was beautiful, lovely, everything a wedding should be. Prior to going, I had been told that weddings were THE place to meet people. I told myself that, having tried most other avenues, if a wedding didn't produce the man of my dreams, I'd have to resort to the final avenue. That is, dating websites. *shudder*

So, I didn't meet anybody at the wedding, and yesterday I did it; I put my profile on a website. Urgh. I feel slightly sick about the whole thing. But I figured that I don't go out, like, at all, and even if I had the time to go out I still wouldn't. In short, there's absolutely nowhere that I'm going to meet a man, so unless I want to be an old spinster this measure is totally necessary.

In the last 24 hours, I've received about 30 enquiries. Of these, I have made contact with just 2. I narrowed it down to these 2 men, because they were the only ones who made no spelling mistakes and could string a sentence together without abbreviating anything or saying 'lol'. Appalling isn't it. But a pleasant surprise was that these adequate spellers were also relatively good looking. So yes, it's an interesting little project, I'm still ashamed about it, but I'd rather do something that's completely against my nature and totally outside of my comfort zone than end up alone, cursing the world for not delivering me some company when deep down I know it's because I didn't try hard enough.

So there.

Antichrist...mas

I will be celebrating my non holiday at home with Colin, as I have previously mentioned. We will be eating some kind of lunch - chicken may be involved - followed by a rather indulgent dessert - possibly including chocolate. This dessert will be so indulgent that it requires a permanent place on my sofa, surrounded by cushions, sitting directly in the path of my air conditioner which will be on ALL DAY. This is one day where I don't give a shit about the environment, and am intent on making a dirty great big carbon footprint.

So, in order to perform an act of true laziness and indulgence, I need something good to watch on TV. This is where I need your help. I need suggestions on movies or tv series dvd box sets which I can hire/purchase for this anti-special day.

So far, I have the following ideas:

Deadwood (box set)
Indiana Jones Trilogy
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Nip/Tuck (Seasons 1, 2 & 3)
Lost (Seasons 1 & 2)

Does anyone have any better ideas? The last thing I want to do is have to get up off the sofa to change the dvd, so the longer and more intense, the better.

Thanks.

More than a woman...

It has recently been brought to my attention that my outbursts of late, which I largely attributed to PMT, aren't really that normal.

Other women are known to suffer less than I, and my levels of PMT - my SEVERE PMT - could be due to something else. I went to the doctor because of my frequent black-outs and light-headedness, and it turns out that there might actually be something wrong with me! Yay!

This is a good thing - this means that I can now blame something for my erratic behaviour, mood swings and hot flushes. I don't know what it is yet, but I don't really care. The fact that I can now have my sights set on a day when I am a normal woman is far greater a feeling than any I've experienced before (slight exaggeration, perhaps).

So, my lovely readers, colleagues and friends; the days of 'don't go near Bazza, it's "that time" again' are officially close to being over. And as for you, my terribly out of control hormones; you can just fuck off and die.